An Examination of Conscience for Spouses

"...I had enrolled in the School of Humility (and am still being held back in the remedial classes). I make my living counseling and advising couples. I like to think I’m good at my job, but I’m not usually all that good at taking my own advice. I often tell people that I need to hang a mirror across from me in therapy so that I can glance over at myself when I am telling couples what to do...

...One practice that I train the couples I work with to do is a spousal examination of conscience. And just to be clear, this means that you explore your conscience, not your spouse’s! I came up with this tool years ago when I noticed that couples have hit a true turning point in their marriage when they stop focusing on how the other person is messing up and start focusing on themselves. When you think about why things are going wrong in your relationship, it is easy to blame the other person: “I’d spend more time with her, if she’d just keep the house clean,” or “Why should I trust him, he’s just like his deadbeat dad!” But years of marriage will (or at least it should) teach you that if there is anything in life you don’t have control over, it is your spouse. When we try to control things that we can’t, we end up feeling frustrated and helpless..."

"...My favorite illustration is to look at Margaret Sanger’s own family experience. She was the founder of Planned Parenthood. Her family system was rife with trauma and broken attachments (psychology speak for poor relationships). If her family had been striving for healing how would the world be different? Its important to note her family was Catholic too. What did they fail at? They did not strive to be healthy in every facet of family life and what is more they were not able to make their faith practical. Faith must work in our families in order for us to make use of psychology and science to be healthier, progressing families. We don’t need to be perfect but rather making progress. The family is the cell of society, the smallest divisor of government. When, with God’s grace, we make our families well, we make politics and society well too."