Motivation on Demand

You can shatter your lack of motivation by simply hacking your brain.

I spend a lot of time in counseling sessions with people who struggle with motivation.

There are many reasons for this, and some are complex and run deep into their past. However, there is a simple trick many people can use to break through their lack of energy.

The secret is…

Dopamine.

Dopamine is a hot button issue right now. Every podcast from Andrew Huberman and beyond has spent time talking about it.

Truth be told, they’re pretty much spot on. We don’t understand dopamine and we’re harming ourselves with constant dopamine spikes and instant gratification activities.

However, dopamine isn’t an inherently bad thing. In fact, it’s critical to our functioning. Dopamine has a naturally beneficial role in the body. Even better though, you can “hack” the brain’s use of dopamine to help launch yourself into new tasks.

The idea is to pair a tough activity with something that spikes dopamine.
When you are struggling to get started on something like a work project or cleaning the house, kickstart yourself with something novel or enjoyable.

You could:

Go to a new coffee shop to begin a challenging work project.

or

Play upbeat music when you need to clean.

Simply combining the work with something fun will let you use the dopamine to help push you past resistance. This lets you use your brains dopamine to give you a boost when you NEED it, not just when the world wants you to feel one.

Nothing about this is revolutionary. We’ve all played music during a workout to get us going. But when stress piles up, and your life feels like nothing but dreading what you need to do, we can forget these simple techniques.

Pick one thing today that will be a challenge, and pair it with something novel or enjoyable. Enjoy the ease it brings.

5 Key Concepts for Personal Growth

Change can be a waste of your time.

If we aren’t intentional about the process, or we avoid it, we will leave most of the growth behind.

Here are 5 concepts to remember as we can develop a growth mindset and lean into the change

We are on a pilgrimage -


The concept of a pilgrimage is an ancient one in the Church. More recently, St. John Paul the Great used this imagery in referring to our experience of growth and change.

We are in a constant state of becoming. This helps us to let go of a perfectionistic mindset and instead understand that perfection is completion—reaching the end of the journey of life.

As long as we are alive we never stop growing, and we can use this concept to help motivate us when the growth and change seems overwhelming. All we need to do is make a little progress day by day.


Setbacks are a normal part of growth -


Our growth can feel like two steps forward and one step back. Just when we think we’ve made progress we experience setbacks.

It can feel discouraging when we encounter problems. However, these are the doors we go through to grow. The truth is, it isn’t two steps forward, one step back. It’s one step back THEN two steps forward. It is from the difficulties that we propel our growth.


Focus on the good -

When we experience change, it becomes very easy to get focused on the negative in ourselves. More often than not this leads, to a destructive spiral where we only see our problems.

However, research in addiction recovery gives the counter-intuitive insight that it's more often through affirming the good that recovery gains ground. We can apply this rule to our own experience.

Notice the good each day and you will surely find it. This doesn’t mean we ignore the negative completely, but we keep it contained in a space where we can actually make a difference.


Don't go it alone -

There is a saying I remember from my high school basketball days: ”The team with the most horses wins.” We can apply something of this mindset to growth and change.

Maybe we don’t need the most literal horses to see wins, but the stronger the community around us, the more likely we are to be successful in our goals. Time and again research shows relationships are one of the most important factors for wellness and longevity.

Spend time around people who are doing those things you want to do will increase your motivation to continue your own growth and change.


Celebrate small wins -

Intentional personal growth often looks like big goals.

I want to lose 60 pounds by summer… I want to slam dunk by basketball season… I’d like my wedding to look like…You get the idea.

None of these big goals happen without taking small steps forward. As we’ve all heard, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”, so make sure you break down all your goals into small steps.

When you complete a step, celebrate it. Don’t let yourself be too caught up in looking at the big goal so much you forget the significance of those small steps.

Make sure you remind yourself of these 5 concepts every day and you will find yourself growing much more quickly than you are used too. Remember the pilgrimage, embrace the set backs, focus on the good, work with others and celebrate small wins.

Holiday Depression Survival Guide

The Holidays are a depressing season.

We all want to focus on Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You”, eggnog, and Hallmark Christmas specials.

However, behind it all we can’t help but be reminded of the loved ones we’ve lost and can’t share this special time with. For many of us, this grief completely overshadows the holiday experience.

There is no easy way to work through grief. Our Faith, however, gives some particularly powerful ways to manage it.

They are:

  1. Keeping perspective

  2. Prayer

  3. Communion at mass

First, keep perspective with the equation of eternal life:

The promise of eternal life = more life = temporary separation

At the onset of this holiday season, the church in her wisdom, celebrates the promise of eternal life with the Solemnity of All Saints Day. This feast is then followed the very next day with the feast of All Souls to remember and pray for those who are still journeying in purgatory.

We can recognize in these celebrations that our separation from those we love is only temporary; even brief in the context of being together for all eternity.

Second, prayer and meditation is a critical part of staying mentally healthy during the season.

Meditation is widely recognized as one of the most (if not the most) beneficial thing we can do for our mental well-being. In this case, meditation helps us deal with pain.

All forms of meditation are an echo of the power of prayer. As Catholics, we can take meditation and raise its impact through elevating it in our prayer tradition. When we pray, in particular for those we have lost, we tap into the power of meditation and the Holy Spirit to move us through our pain and grief.

Third, mass as communion outside of time

Time travel as we think about it may be for the world of Marty and Doc Brown in Back to the Future. However, the mass transcends time in its own way. When we participate in mass, we are in communion with all souls participating around the world and all souls in heaven.

The beauty of this belief is that when we are present at Mass we are spiritually in the company of our loved ones in a most profound and real way.

Our senses can’t perceive them, just like they can’t perceive Jesus truly present in the Eucharist, but our loved ones are fully present. There is no better place to spend our time of grief than being present with them in this spiritual space that goes beyond the limits of time.

Our faith is profound in the way it can aid our mental health. While these ideas are not a psychological treatment for grief, they can still help transform the pain we feel into something meaningful. These tools can help us to live more fully as God intended, and to develop a deep awareness of His presence in eternity.

God Gave you Fear for a Reason

The bible tells us not to be afraid 365 times.

Clearly, God wants us to understand fear from his perspective every single day of the year.

But what is fear exactly? St. Thomas Aquinas defined fear as a response to a future evil that seems irresistible and beyond the person's power. When we feel fear, it is about a perceived future event and appears to be something outside our control.

However, fear is not an enemy. In reality, it is an ally that tends to become overburdened. God gave us fear and all the physiological responses to cope with certain situations. Fear helps us detect a threat and react by avoiding or running away. For instance, if a bear is chasing you, fear can be a very helpful and effective survival mechanism. Fear certainly has its due place.

However, we tend to let fear become anxiety, and we respond by loathing it or relying on it.

For example, going to work can be a fearful thing for many people. Sometimes, we hate the fact that we’re afraid and causes us to live in a cloud of frustration. Other times, we rely on that anxiety to drive us forward… but again, this is not what fear is for.

When we choose fear out of loathing or reliance, it often drives us away from God by questioning Him and putting faith in our own capabilities to overcome our situations.

The solution is to embrace fear like a sidekick in your life. Fear is trying to protect you and while it means well, its help can also be destructive. Let us not avoid fear and add to the vicious cycle, but know what role fear needs to play. Fear is a part of being human and it is meant to protect you, but it must be used properly.

Create a new relationship with fear. Instead of hating fear, embrace fear as an opportunity to grow in virtue and come closer to God. If you feel anxious getting ready in the morning, embrace fear by finding ways to challenge yourself to grow. If you are afraid of social situations, embrace fear and lean on Christ to be present with others in small ways.

You are stronger than you think and can tolerate the chatter your “sidekick” fear brings. In the end, we come to see fear not as the enemy nor the ruler of our lives, but embracing fear as a well-intentioned aid that we listen to with a grain of salt.

Did you Know you can Manage Anxiety with Exercise?

Exercise may cure your anxiety.

Our body-brain connection allows activity to directly impact the way our mind is interpreting our world. This process is called “bio-feedback”, and it’s massively helpful for our mental health.

If you are feeling anxious, make sure you try and get some exercise as a way to manage that stress.

For example: You wake up and start feeling nervous about a work presentation you have that day. You might trying leaving the house an hour earlier to go and play a game of pick up basketball. The exercise will work wonders for your stress and will help fight off any building anxiety.

Of course, you might be physically tired afterwards. That’s ok though, because your brain won’t be. It expects that exercise will be followed by a state of rest, calm, and regeneration and will give you mental space for it to happen.

Additionally, once you’re finished with something stressful you should try lightly exercising again. In the previous example, after your presentation is finished you might go for a walk. Again, this will help regulate your brain through the bio-feedback process and keep you from getting further wound up in stress.

God has designed our body and brain to work together for our benefit and we can intentionally tap into that for our modern lives.

So going forward, make a plan on how you can exercise as a way to manage anxiety you might be feeling about work, finances, family, or otherwise!

As always, remember that you can reach out to professionals who are ready and willing to support you through difficult times.

If Saints were Therapists

What if the Saints could be your therapist?

November starts with the celebration of All Saints Day. It’s an amazing time to explore the many ways they can influence our perception of self and our journey to heaven. It's worth examining the therapeutic lessons we can take away from their stories and choices.

What does it mean to be a saint when we consider our psychological development?

It means they had a “true north” perspective on the spiritual growth necessary to get to heaven.

To be declared a saint is to have the church proclaim with confidence that the person is in heaven. What canonization doesn’t mean is that they were psychologically perfect within the scientific understanding of what optimal mental health might be.

This should make them highly relatable for us, because NO ONE has optimal mental health.

Even though the saints didn’t necessarily have perfect mental health, they understood that they could work to improve in this area during their lives.

Much like our body needs constant maintenance, nourishment, and care... so too does our mental health need that same care.

So what did the saints do to take care of their mental health? They kept two priorities in mind while they lived:

  1. Primacy of Faith: We must always keep in mind the priority is salvation of our soul and that the Catholic Church is the most perfect guide in this.

  2. Primacy of Will: We must understand our need for agency. When we work to build ourselves in a way to have greater interior freedom in our choices, we will choose the virtuous path more completely.



The saints fully implemented these priorities during their lives despite their unique situation. In this way, they found ways to approach mental health from the limited resources at their disposal.

In upcoming posts we will occasionally visit specific lessons that have therapeutic benefit from the lives of different saints, with this two part foundation in mind.

For now. Remember to activate and prioritize Faith and Will in your own daily experience of caring for your mental health.

7 Simple Ways to Prioritize Your Mental Health

The numbers are scary:

43% of adults say they feel more anxious than they did the previous year, up from 37% in 2023 and 32% in 2022.

These numbers can be shocking. How are we supposed to combat this? Why are the numbers climbing so quickly?

This is no simple answer and there are many facets playing into it. However, I’ve seen time and time again as a mental health professional, that people’s priorities play at least some role in this problem.

Here are 7 simple ways to prioritize your mental health:

1. Get social

Relationships are needed to feel a sense of belonging and connection. Research has provided consistent and compelling evidence linking a low quantity or quality of social ties with a host of conditions. Make sure you create time in your life for the relationships who are important to you.

2. Exercise

Get moving. Exercise may help with improved thinking, lower anxiety levels, and better sleep. A study encompassing 97 meta-reviews of 1,039 randomized controlled trials involving 128,119 participants shared that “we found [that] doing 150 minutes each week of various types of physical activity — such as brisk walking, lifting weights and yoga — significantly reduces depression, anxiety, and psychological distress, compared to usual care, such as medications,”

3. Prioritize sleep

Sleep is crucial to our executive functioning, memory, and emotion regulation. The bible illustrates the importance of sleep with Elijah. I like to call the story, “a nap and a snack”. In short, Elijah was fleeing from Queen Jezebel and became so depressed that he prayed for death. He fell asleep under a tree and an angel appeared to him, saying, "Get up and eat". Elijah saw a loaf of bread and a jar of water by his head. He ate and drank, and then went back to sleep. The angel returns and urges Elijah to eat again, saying that he needs to be strong for the journey ahead. Elijah eats and drinks again, and feels refreshed. Elijah then walks for 40 days and nights to Mount Horeb. We all need “a nap and a snack” when we are carrying a heavy load. Consider your sleep hygiene and how to have sleep be a priority for your mental health.

4. Relaxing routine

We need rest just as much as we need work. Prioritize ways to have rest in your day through hobbies, prayer, devotions, adoration, etc. These relaxing rituals are important for reducing stress and finding new coping strategies for future challenges.

5. Eating healthy foods

Consider what you put in your body and how to fuel your body well. A healthy diet can improve both your physical health and mental health. We should seek moderation in our food consumption and view food as fuel to support your body.

6. Limit social media (Let us not be a slave to another vice)

I’m not saying social media is inherently wrong, but it HAS saturated our time and energy. Several studies have shown a strong link between social media usage and increased risk of depression, anxiety, and other mental health challenges. Reflect on your life… is social media a tool or a vice? Let us practice detachment from social media if it is no longer serves a purpose in your life.

7. Seek professional help

In some cases, the suggestions listed above aren’t enough to address your mental health needs. It is important to reach out to a mental health professional and ask for help. You do not have to face these challenges alone. Counseling, coaching, and medication can be crucial to improving your mental health symptoms.

The Three Secrets to Parenting (Part Three)

There are three foundational secrets to parenting. While there are many specifics things that differ from parent to parent, these three concepts are a constant with any child.

In the past few posts we’ve covered:

  1. Be considerate

  2. Be firm

However, the last secret is what ties all of these together.

3. We need to be consistent

As with the first two, this is an obvious call out. Nobody likes an inconsistent person. We all crave those people who mean what they say, and don’t change every time we interact with them.

However, with parenting we are often inconsistent out of good intentions.

It can be appealing to try out different approaches or ideas to see if one suits your child better than the last.

However, it is crucial we establish habitual practices around our discipline and parenting. These consistent practices are actually what allow pathways in the brain to be created through regularity of use. This habit development is more beneficial for your child than trying to find some technique that might be slightly more suited to them.

When we practice consistency in our discipline, we help the child’s brain develop properly. This lets them see their world consistently and work towards developing virtue. Again, a deeper need than the immediate emotional response.

Regardless of what form of discipline or parenting technique you choose, these three keys will unlock it’s potential for your child:

  1. Be considerate

  2. Be firm

  3. Be consistent

Parenting is never easy, and some children will provide more challenges than others. However, I promise that if you stay strong in those foundational concepts, your child’s reception to your parenting will improve dramatically.

The Three Secrets to Parenting (Part Two)

Ok, the three secrets to parenting your kids.

I wrote last week about “consideration” as the first secret. You need to make sure you stop and see things from your child’s perspective.

It doesn’t mean you have to think they are right in their judgements. You just need to strive to understand their thinking so they feel known and understood.

The second secret of parenting is…

You need to be firm.

This might stand out as obvious and a tad cliche.

You would be right in thinking that too. It IS obvious and it IS cliche.

However, that obvious element is exactly why it is such a tough thing to remember.

Many of us fall into the friendship trap. We operate from the lense of needing to be “liked” by our children.

However, what children need is to recognize the strength that comes from adulthood, so they can attach to us securely. The focus on being liked by our kids endangers our ability to be a secure haven for them.

It functions on an underlying mechanism that the attachment required is with a person who can protect and care for them. Seeing the parent as firm will reinforce the security a parent has and gives that security to the child.

Staying firm with our actions and words will be like a strong tree in the midst of a storm.

If we are blown over by the storm, we become a passive part of the world and lose our strength.

Storms come and go, but we must remain strong in order to reassure those who depend on us that we are reliable.

This comparison is more fitting than we realize. Recent discoveries show that a large tree in a forest “mothers” the younger trees, providing them valuable support and resources in the underlying soil systems. It’s nature’s way of reminding us that we indeed need the firm person to help us grow strong and healthy.

The Three Secrets to Parenting (Part One)

There is a secret to disciplining your kids…

Really, there is.

Actually, there are three secrest. Foundational pieces that discipline must have in order to be effective.

It doesn’t mean that there is a key technique that always works. Every child is different. However, as long as any strategy hits on these three things it will have a chance at working.

The very relatable truth is that most of us hit a wall when parenting. That time when we have no idea how we’re supposed to convince our kid to behave appropriately.

It’s important to understand that a child’s mental state is a critical part of disciplining, and putting that at the forefront will do wonders when trying to raise them.

I want to write about each of these three things separately and give them the time they deserve. So today, let’s focus on step one:

Consideration

We must understand being human as being in relationship. We are the “knower” and the world around us is “the known”. We must consider our relationship to other things, and not get caught staring at the world as if we’re just looking in the mirror.

We have to recognize the unique individual in front of us, especially if it’s our child.

We consider by pausing and placing ourselves in their shoes. We recognize that people have needs and limitations. Consideration is required to discern these things well, and to try and align our choices in a way that works for the child and the parent.

You may still need to be firm and require something they don’t want. But if you take the time and say it in a way that acknowledges them and their validity as a person, you’ll have much more luck.

For example, instead of saying:

“Don’t take your sister’s food”

You can say:

“I know you’re hungry and you want what she has, but you can’t take your sister’s food”.

Obviously, this isn’t some kind of magic bullet. It doesn’t instantly make a child more manageable. However, over time this will build a sense of being understood by you. The child will have more trust in you and will be more reticent to your requests.

I’ll write about the 2nd and 3rd principles soon, but hopefully this framing begins being helpful to some struggling parents out there. You won’t ever be perfect. As the author, I need reminded of this idea with my own kids frequently. However, getting even 1% better at this will go a long ways with your relationship with your children.