It's all about the fundamentals

It’s all about the fundamentals.


Here are the 3 basics of prayer we always forget:

Tip #1: Preparation ⌚

Our lives are often wall-to-wall busy. Once we finish one task, we immediately jump into the next.

Typically, we take this same approach with our prayer time. If we only have 15 minutes to pray, we waste no time getting started.

Instead, give yourself a few minutes to let the previous task leave your mind and to quiet yourself.

Try sitting down and just being still before you start reading scripture or speaking with the Lord.

Even if this takes your time from 15 minutes to 10 minutes… those 10 minutes will be so much more valuable.

Tip #2: Environment

Always make sure you find a quiet and comfortable space where you are free of distractions. Even if you have incredible concentration, you will always lose some kind of peace in a distracting environment.

If you can’t make a dedicated prayer space, try turning off nearby screens, closing your eyes, or face towards a Catholic icon (crucifix, painting, etc.) before prayer. This can help reduce the clutter in front of you while you sit with the Father.

Tip #3: Accept that it can’t be perfect

While preparing beforehand and setting up a prayer environment are ideal, they aren’t always possible.

Don’t let the lack of perfection stop you from praying. Always do the best you can to create the space and time you need, but know that if you can’t… God is still with you.

Continue to pray when possible. Whether it is while doing the dishes, driving to work, or some other part of your day. Work for the ideal, but when that isn’t possible remember that God is the one who truly makes prayer fruitful.

Let's Talk About Boundaries... Again.

I think it’s worth talking about boundaries… again.

I LOVE boundaries. I think they’re critical and many relationships gloss over them.

The world ALSO loves boundaries.

“Boundaries” has become a buzzword that draws a lot of attention in our society. The word seems to fit so well in a world that is so focused on the individual.

However, when it is the sole focus between people, it can lead to estranged relationships.

We get spend so much energy emphasizing the boundaries that we lose the person on the other side.

However.

There is another part to boundaries.

Hope.

It is the decision to focus on being a gift, rather than obsessing over the boundaries themselves.

One of the crucial insights of both John Paul II and the Council writings of Vatican II is this quote:

“Man cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself.”

It is deeply rooted in truth that God is eternally giving himself in the exchange between Father, Son, and Holy Spirit—the Divine relationship of love.

It can be easy to brush over this concept in favor of finding the tools to establish our relationships well.

Don’t get me wrong, the tools are critical.

However, let us remember what they are there for.

Boundaries exists FOR the relationship, not just the individual.

They give the relationship a framework that lets it thrive and grow to what it is meant to be.

Not having boundaries would be like having a corral without a horse contained inside.

The point of the fence is help what is within be it’s fullest self in a managed and intentional way

When we keep our boundaries well, we more effectively become a gift to others.

We only know we are applying the right boundaries if they accomplish "gifting".

When evaluating your boundaries, ask yourself:

Do they make me a greater gift to others?

Or do I avoid being a gift altogether?

If it is the latter, perhaps it is time to re-evaluate your boundaries and explore other important concepts of relationship, like grace and forgiveness.

None of us should give up our boundaries. However, like every relationship tool, they need to be evaluated by the ultimate goal.

How the Way you Pray May be Impacting your Mental Health

Your mental health will ALWAYS suffer if you’re not praying… and you might be doing it wrong. Here are the two biggest misconceptions that keep you from really encountering God.

Misconception #1: God is a vending machine.

Prayer is NOT the Christian equivalent of a wishing well. When you pray, you aren’t simply blowing out the candles, or hoping for good luck. You’re definitely not putting in your order from the vending machine and hoping that it comes out at the bottom.

Instead, prayer is a personal interaction between you and the God of the universe. A relationship that develops and has many tones and inflections along the way.

As Christians we pray by asking God for what we need/want in accordance God’s will. As a result, not all our desires will be answered as we expect.

Just like with parents, God the Father provides what we, his children need. It is not always exactly what we ask for, but it’s what we require to grow closer to him.

Of course, our asking of God is important. It helps us develop an openness with God, and an understanding that he is our provider. When God answers our prayers (even if it seems like it wasn’t what we asked for), in the end we will realize he answered our prayers in a way we didn’t expect.

Misconception #2: Projecting ourselves on God

Sometimes, in prayer we can legitimately imagine what God would say to us in response to a question.

This can be dangerous as it begins to resemble a psychological projection.

Projection is when someone attributes their personal qualities or experiences onto another person. This can include personality and character traits, emotions, or even actions. In other words, when we pray we should not put words into God’s mouth.

Prayer is a personal and intimate dialogue between you and our Lord. It involves not only speaking but also listening with attention.

When we don’t feel like we hear God, we have to avoid imagining his response. Otherwise, we run the risk of creating a God based on our psychology, not on who he really is.

Your gratitude lists mean nothing.

Your gratitude lists mean nothing…

…unless they occur during the good and the bad times of life.

As counselors, we’ll be the first to encourage people to cultivate a mindset of gratitude. It’s wild how much of an effect it can have.

Unfortunately, the effects are sometimes short lived. Not because being thankful isn’t important, but because we don’t sustain it in our lives.

St. Paul writes: “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thess. 5:16-18).

The key part of that verse is when St. Paul says “all circumstances”.
Gratitude is the most impactful when it exists during the best and the hardest times of our lives.

It allows us to see beyond ourselves, and towards the God who loves us.
Don’t get me wrong, be gracious when life is good is also important.

However, we need to make gratitude a foundational part of our lives, even when we are in the midst of struggle.

The principle message from St. Paul is that God invites us to know him further by appreciating his love while we are in the midst of hardship. We need to understand how he sustains us despite our trials.

You can write down what you’re grateful for and reflect on it daily. Or if you prefer, you can vocalize it during your prayer.

Either way, create a spirit of gratitude and cultivate it despite what your life looks like. You will be amazed at how much closer to God you feel and how much more balanced your mental health becomes.

Boundaries: One of the most underutilized parts of being human

Boundaries are the most underutilized part of many people’s lives…

Boundaries help define who you are.

Boundaries help you know where you end and another person begins.

There are 3 steps to set up boundaries in your life.

1. Reflect on tension 😬

2. Identify the frustration 😠

3. Redefine the boundaries 🤝


1️⃣ FIRST: identify what people we easily give into despite our own desires or convictions.

For example, this could be an adult giving into their parents or someone giving in to a coworker.

These relationships can create an interior tension between our own agency—free will—and the desires of others.


2️⃣ SECOND: identify what actions actually cause the most frustration in these relationships.

It’s very common to see boundaries violated in homes where addiction, abuse, neglect, and perfectionistic influences are strong.

On the extreme end, it may be the constant managing required of an alcoholic’s angry outbursts.

On the mild end, it may be being nervous that your space isn’t clean enough for a perfectionist roommate.

One has deep psychological alterations, the other mild frustrations, but both keep you from feeling secure within your space


3️⃣ THIRD: redefine the boundary to keep those actions from happening.

Write down the hard lines that someone should not cross to mitigate these frustrations.

In the example of the perfectionist roommate, it may be that your door will always be closed and they are not allowed to look into your room for any reason.

This would keep them from seeing the mess and getting frustrated.

It would also give you more security knowing they wouldn’t be seeing into your room where the mess is.


Again, the three steps are:

1. Reflect on the relationships in your life with the most tension. 😬

2. Identify what causes you the most frustration in this relationship. 😠

3. Redefine the boundary. 🤝


Write down what you discover during this exercise and see if you can shore up those boundaries.

Truly addressing this area of life is best done with a professional who has a deep understanding of human relationships and how boundaries can be applied. While the above exercise will be illuminating, seek out professional help as well.

Don't Let Therapy Become a Weapon

Therapy can be a weapon in relationships.

It can come across as:

”If you don’t go to counseling, I’m leaving!”

or

“You have problems and YOU need therapy”.

Ultimatums and mean spirited accusations are always detrimental to the process of growth and change for the relationship.

However, it's true that sometimes one or both people in a relationship actually do need therapy.

How do we identify who needs it and start the process without starting on the wrong foot?

There are two key factors:

1. Therapy needs to be kept in its proper place 👍

It is only one tool in the relationship toolkit. We can’t think of it as the answer to everything.

Therapy is best when we identify a focus for it instead of thinking of it as a “fix-all”. It can help to identify a focus for it.

Examples of this could be growing in emotional intelligence or regulating our emotions.

Therapy also isn’t the easy answer. You have to be willing to follow the guidance of the therapist and understand it will not meet every need right away.

2. If you thought of it, you might as well explore it first 🤔

Oftentimes, we recognize the need for change but can’t seem to get the other party to buy in.

However, when we change ourselves, it can have a profound impact on our relationships.

If we find ourselves considering the possibility of therapy for someone else, there is no reason we can’t begin the journey by going ourselves.

You will be surprised at how much this affects the other person and their openness.

Relationships are foundational to a fulfilling life. It’s worth giving our time, attention, and resources to improving them. ❤️

If we learn how to successfully maneuver in relationships, then we open ourselves up to deeper bonds with our friends, family and spouse.

Sadness is Not a Problem to Fix

Honestly, sadness should be one of your favorite emotions.

Case and point: The Pixar movie “Inside Out”.

Everyone is surprised by the impact Sadness has on the person of Riley. However, it is Sadness that allows others to come alongside Riley and show love, support, and connection.

Emotions are all about connecting the inside with the outside. We try to make sense of our experience of reality by this internal system of communication, even if it isn’t always a perfect.

It is important to keep these three things in mind when navigating sadness:

1) Emotions are complex and confusing. Reflect on your day and practice naming the emotions you’ve felt. For example, look for all the times you either felt mad, sad or glad. Building this vocabulary will help you process what you’re feeling.

2) We can shorten the lifespan of an emotional experience by accepting it when it arrives. Instead of trying to fight a feeling, validate it. Once accepted, the emotion will move through much more quickly.

3) We all want these good things… however, we aren’t always able to recognize them unless we first feel the absence of it. Sadness can help identify the good things you want for your life and so you can focus on them more clearly.

Overall, we can look at our relationship with sadness and ask ourselves if it tends to move us towards a good life.

If you feel stuck with this, it may be an indicator that you need additional support and to potentially meet with a counselor to help unpack things.

Sadness is a normal emotion. It is a part of our system of emotions. We can accept it and understand it wants to help us live a good life.

How to Change Your Life With Nothing but a Journal and a Prompt

Journaling may be the secret to you finding peace… and it’s so much simpler than you think.

There are four beneficial ways we can use journaling, all of which can improve our mental health and well-being.

1) Reflection: Write down thoughts that are coming to mind and try to identify feelings underlying them. Reflect on what you wrote. Do they relate to other themes you’ve journaled about? What do you notice about word choice? Do they tend to be negative or positive?

2) Narrative: Write about experiences in story form. Try to organize story in a way that highlights meaning and significance. Do you sense a hero’s journey? Can I make sense of my pain and hardships? Do I have wins and victories along the way?

3) Tracking: Food, exercise and sleep in particular can be helpful to measure in a daily journal along with many other things. When we do so, we become a “self-scientist”. We are more keenly observant about the things we want to change and how to change them.

4) Second brain: Write down things you don’t want to forget. Especially with the many distractions we face today, things move in and out of our minds quickly. This helps us remember important things but also removes the stress of keeping everything in your mind. It was said Beethoven never went anywhere without a notebook to quickly jot down musical notes that came to him. Because of his little habit, we have some of the greatest musical compositions in the world.

These four approaches are a great place to start exploring the world of journaling. Find the one that appeals most directly to you and give it a try. You may be surprised by the almost instant benefits you experience from the practice.

Burnout is Not a Badge of Honor

You can approach your work in two ways… and only one will lead you to being more successful than ever.

The goal is to understand that burnout isn’t inevitable nor is it a badge of honor.

The stress of burnout can be a very temporary thing, connected to a single important project. While we need to be cautious, these times can have merit if the finish line is clearly defined.

However, consistent burnout is an evil that needs to be avoided.

There are two approaches to working through stressful projects. Whether you are a boss or a frontline employee, you have an obligation to create an environment that supports the better of the two options.

Consider which of the two approaches you have:

1) A Push Approach

Once I start a project, I push myself to complete it without stopping for breaks.

I tend to interact less with coworkers in these push phases.

I feel stretched to capacity, sometimes working overtime or late at night to complete these projects.

My reward comes from getting a project done with.

It’s the finished product, not the journey that I focus on.

2) An Endurance Approach

To complete a project, I pace myself and take breaks between focuses sessions.

I pay attention to those around me and take time for walks or observing nature.

I set limits for myself, leaving work on time and getting to bed at a reasonable hour.

My work stays at the office.

While my projects take longer to finish, I am able to enjoy the journey and benefit from the learning that happens along the way.

The second approach is sustainable and leads to much more progress over time.

You need to find ways to structure your work around this endurance approach before you can begin to manage burnout effectively.

Are you working too much?

It begins with an extra few hours at the office for a deadline. Then you start working a few extra hours every week… then every day… then you bring work home on the weekend. Suddenly, you can’t find where you work life stops and your personal life begins.

It can be necessary at times to “hustle”, but many people lose sight of their priorities and live the grind.

Evaluate these 3 areas to determine how much time you should really be putting in.

  1. Finances

  2. Time

  3. Attention

Finances: Sometimes we need to work 60 hours a week to pay the bills, but often we can reduce that. Reverse engineer your goals, and see if you can accomplish them with fewer expenses. Really evaluate if you need those expenses. If you could work less by cutting back in some areas of life, you’re probably overworking yourself.

Time: We can get addicted to feeling busy. We fill our days with frivolous work that isn’t really necessary. Evaluate your work day and find activities that are really about “staying busy” instead of being productive. If you find that you spend excessive time doing “busy” things but not productive things, you might be overworking yourself.

Attention: Are you bringing work home in the form of “thoughts”? Are you thinking about work when you are with your family? Are you checking messages when you’re with your spouse? This can be an insidious symptom of overworking. You can’t always leave work at the door, but when it’s impossible to shut the thoughts off every day, you might be overworking yourself.