You don’t need to control your kids—you need to give them structure and support.
If you’re constantly repeating yourself, raising your voice, or feeling frustrated, you’re not alone. Here’s what not to do—and what actually works:
Don’t:
🚫 Repeat Yourself
Repeating rules teaches your child to delay listening, as they start expecting multiple warnings. It also signals that you’re not serious, adding stress for both of you.
🚫 Overexplain
Kids act out of emotion, not logic, especially when crossing boundaries. In these moments, they’re not using their “upstairs brain” (the rational part). As The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Daniel Siegel explains, children often operate from their emotional, impulsive “downstairs brain.” They don’t need a lecture—just connection and structure.
🚫 Punish or Yell
Louder voices don’t help kids understand; they make them feel unsafe and disconnected, leading to more resistance. Instead of punishment, focus on positive discipline, building a strong relationship, and setting clear expectations. Remember: connect, then redirect—not the other way around.
Do:
✅ Set Clear Boundaries
Be direct about what you want to see, not what you don’t. For example: “It’s okay to be upset, but it’s not okay to hit your sister. Let’s take a break until you’re ready to play.” Keep it calm, specific, and realistic.
✅ Follow Through Immediately
Use calm consequences to help kids understand that actions have outcomes. For instance, “If you keep drawing on the wall, we’ll end playtime.” Follow through calmly if needed—no yelling or threats. Praise the positive behavior to reinforce good choices.
✅ Offer Physical Support
Transitions, like getting dressed or leaving the park, can be hard. Be present and assist when needed. Don’t wait for “perfect behavior”—guide them through transitions and redirect them gently, such as when they try to climb on the couch. Stay engaged and proactive.
Remember: Adults can self-regulate. Kids can’t—yet. Our role is to guide them through “stuck” moments with consistency, compassion, and clarity.
Boundaries are about leadership, not harshness or permissiveness. To lead effectively, you must be a calm, confident presence your child can trust.
Note: Raising your voice can be important in urgent situations, like when there’s danger. But using it sparingly makes it more effective—when you do raise your voice, your child will be more likely to stop and listen.
